Out of syllabus

Why am I child free by choice? What I said, when the simple truth seemed inadequate.

A memory from before I completed the first decade of my life – a sequence playing out in my head as a response to the unbearably intelligent adult question of, “What do you want to be when you grow up.” The actor Kavita Chaudhary (DD series Udaan), in a crisp white and blue sari (Lalita Ji avatar) getting out from an Ambassador car that had curtains. Carrying some files and walking big powerful strides. This is what I wanted to be when I grow up.

My imagination changed over the years about what I wanted to do with my life and also about what my life would look like. But some things remained a constant. I saw a home with a lot of joy and purpose but there was not even a shadow of child or a husband.

So, here is the thing about an unconventional choice, especially when you are young – in my experience you either feel like a misfit or access a moral high ground and stay safely in it. I did a bit of both.

To the why-no-kids-question, I started responding with superior-sounding responses- providing entertainment and heartburn, occasionally funny or precocious but usually outright holier-than-thou.

“Why do you think this world is worthy!” ——-“I’m not paid enough”——-“That store has no return, no exchange” ——-“I plan to be a child myself all my life”——- “Will you raise it between years 7-20?”

I used these to justify my decision. However these were minor reasons, there was just one main driving force though- but it seemed too obvious to be the real answer. So, I used these and other explanations over and over again. When I was married - we had our standard responses to this question (this is what he wanted too), but they were not my real reasons.

I realised only a bit later that I might be a freak of nature – I have no memory of having even a sliver of desire for a child. Nothing about motherhood appealed to me. If an individual’s desires and emotions were exams to clear to establish legitimate personhood– the desire to nest and nurture is the subject I would score zero in. I stayed away from dolls in my childhood, there was no one friend that I mothered, no animal I felt that deep commitment to, overall, there was nothing inside me that was even marginally moved by the prospect of raising a child. Lakshan hi nahi thay. What I told people was all theorising, arguments, jokes and in-the-moment defences at work.

Why am I writing about this now? Probably because I wish I knew someone who felt this way. Someone who knew that they did not want children, because they did not feel the desire to have a child. I wish I knew women who spoke about not feeling - the maternal/parental instinct - whatever it meant to them. I only understood these phrases as the default setting for most and as some law of nature. That made me an anomaly.

So many others choosing to be child free about 1.5-2 decades ago were so used to justifying this decision with arguments linked to politics, climate change, state of the world, patriarchy, the burden of work, inflation, - that we were not talking about our desires and really at one level what even is more political than desire itself. Many of us who feel this way still do not use the language of desire. Who has ever accepted – I just do not want it /I just do not feel like it – to be a seriously considered appropriate response for not doing something expected of them!

This feeling - like you are out of sync with the universe, in the absence of the desire to nurture life and pair up to create your own unit - can disorient you. I imagine this is how someone who is asexual might feel in our very sexualised world. In the pro-natal communities that I was raised in, the dissent was all about arguments of choice. I found myself feeling like Pappi ji (Deepak Dhobriyal in Tanu Weds Manu 2), who is suddenly propped up as a doctor (he is not) in front of medical students and has to respond to a technical question. His response is a strangled “good question, you are good question.” and he fakes a heart attack because he has no fucking clue! I laugh so hard at that scene.

I felt both like that out-of-syllabus question and the impostor Pappi ji when confronted with the child question.

I’m hoping it is easier for the ones making this choice now. If it is rough and the truth is not understood or welcome or is something that will make your life harder than it needs to be - I advocate lying to make it easier. Make excuses - pin it on your politics- pin it on fertility - take moral high grounds - make a joke, whatever it takes to buy time and distance. When you are ready, just say No and explain to those who need to know. I hope you fight and know that the absence of the desire to be a parent is not uncommon or unnatural . Many know it before they stand at the crossroad and some find out later. Much like marriage.

Also if this is something that you connect with -head over to Savvy Soumya’s piece on her journey and decision to be child free